Still Trying for OK

This fall I blamed it on the break-up. I looked so forward to January 1st, when I felt I could put it all behind me and start the year anew.

This January I blamed it on the high expectations I'd held for myself for a 180 degree turnaround in January.

This February I blamed it on too much work, too little time.

This March I blamed it on the weather.

This April I blamed it on - well, a bunch of stuff, but essentially that I hadn't been socially in a groove and had inadvertently alienated myself from other people.

This May I felt that I was on the verge of feeling okay.

This June I still felt okay but was immersed in summer coursework so didn't have time to not feel okay.

This July I am not feeling okay and now, I am blaming it on feeling fat. On looking at pictures of myself a year ago and seeing a tanned, happy, thin, in shape girl and on looking at the current reflection of myself in the mirror and seeing a pale, exhausted, 15-lbs heavier, not in shape girl.

I just want this feeling to go away. I want a time machine to either take me back to last year or to fast forward me to next year when I'll look back on this time and, hopefully, say damn, girl, you got yourself out of it. Good for you, kid.

Until then, I can only wait. I want to be in love with the world again. I can't wait until I am.