Late

Random thoughts after a late evening of WORKING ON A PAPER:

- it's really hard for me to write about myself when I don't feel as though I can be totally honest. The paper I have been trying to put together tonight is "all about me," yet when the audience is people judging me, how can I truly write all about me?

- one of my brothers is coming into town tomorrow (today) and we're going to do something difficult; we're going to see our great-aunts, one of whom has recently been diagnosed with an inoperable tumor. even though i live closer to her than he does, it'll be taxing to know that he thinks that this is the last time he'll ever see her. This could be true.

- i can't sleep on a normal schedule. i wish i could.

- too much emailing me has made my writing more grammatically deficient than it used to be. i actually used to be perfect in regards to grammer. as in, an 800 on that achievement test one takes in high school. however, the non-use of capitalization and punctuation and the constant use of ellipses... like that... it translates into my "academic writing." and all of my writing.

- my air conditioning unit is so much more tolerable (and hopefully cost-efficient) when I keep it on the "fan" setting. otherwise it is too cold.

- i am going to move out of this apartment. i was given a gift this evening in my mailbox because my incredibly incompetent property managers think my lease is up a month before it is. um... no, it's not. but if you want to let me out of here, then that is a SIGN. i'll get the hell out of here. no problem.

- i have a lot of space in this current apartment yet no light. light is more important to me than space. i would not have known that but for the experience. this thought directly corresponds to the former.

- why in the hell could i just write all of this in about thirty seconds (well, maybe two minutes, but that's the max) when i couldn't write ten pages "all about me" in, oh, man, about a week? at least a week?

- trying to put myself to bed is like trying to get a little child whom you are babysitting to bed. i think i want to stay up; i think there is more i should be doing (i.e. finishing the paper), but when i get there, i will be glad. where is susie murphy when i need her?

- susie murphy was a great babysitter. unfortunately my younger brother threw her keys to her house into the woods about twenty years ago, and she never babysat for us again.

- i smoked pot in those same woods with that same younger brother once. i hate smoking pot. i thought they were just drinking beers and so i went and then i couldn't be the uncool big sister. i got so messed up that i didn't know that we were fifty feet away from my house and essentially in the backyard i had grown up with. this bothered me, but evidently it didn't bother them when they couldn't find their way back. by that time i was already sleeping in my own bed.

- speaking of bed, that's where i'm going right now.