In The Presence Of Real Beauty

My two great-aunts are the sisters of my late grandfather, my mother's father. I adored Grandfather more than I could ever write about, and in my late night dreams, he still appears and is alive as ever and I adore him as much as ever and when I wake up, I am first comforted and then saddened. Today I took a trip to his living sisters' house in the Bronx, the house in which they have lived for 56 years, the house in which they have formed and carried out their lives since they were essentially my age and inside of which is stacked with tangible artifacts from their lives. My Zizis are omni-present in all of my memories of family gatherings – one as the dynamic, gregarious one; the other as the calming, modest one. They are both beautiful, and they are elderly, and although they have each been married to different men, the rapport they have between the two sisters is actually that of a couple who has been married for, well, over 56 years. And their wisdom is collectively far beyond that of two 80-something women, and it is inspiring, and it is humbling, to recognize their strength and to want to take it all in and to hear their stories of working at Macy’s in the 1940’s or of coming of age in an Italian community in the Bronx in the 1930's and to read yellowed, proudly preserved newspaper articles in which they are mentioned and - oh, my god - I am simply in awe of them as people.

The major element that has been underlying my past few months has been this shift from the mentality of a "young person," one who is present-oriented, to one of an "adult" - realizing that I have a future and that I am consistently shaping that future with my decisions or non-decisions. That notion was reinforced today. As much as I have loved these two women since my childhood, today we spoke for an entire day, together, as adults, and I felt like an adult who was truly able to exchange life experiences and at the same time (like a kid) who was wanting to just deeply soak in their wisdom. For the first time I felt like I could relate to some of the challenges they have faced, emotionally and mentally, and speak freely as an adult who also has faced challenges in her 29-year old life. Their physical bodies may be aging to the extent that they cannot walk without assistance, but their minds are so sharp, and with the time that they have had to spend reflecting, their insights into life are incredible.

I have said this before, but I will say it again: I have an amazing family. And I am so fortunate to have them and their histories still present and alive. We spoke about their stories, and the conversation was catalyzed by my opening up about my feelings about my father and his side of the family (not only do I not communicate with my father, of my own volition, but he does not communicate with his side of the family, out of probably his own craziness), and we spoke about their perceptions of him as a young man - perspectives I could never possibly have had. (Hell, I wasn't even born then.) I know that at the age I am now my amazing, beautiful, incredible mother had had me and was about to pop out my brothers, and the sheer acceptance my great-aunts had granted my father because he was my mom's husband and the support they both quietly and overtly gave her throughout her years with him was, again, inspiring to hear.

Maybe I can't encapsulate the wonderful day I had in a simple entry, but I can record it. The two sisters are - again, like an old married couple - very dichotomous in their perspectives right now; one thinks she "should have been more" (but she did so MUCH!) and the other is more reflective, full of faith, and simply desiring and peaceful about "passing the torch" (and SHE did so much!) and I love both equally and only hope that as an 80-something woman, I can be that absolutely amazing. I love them so much and I am so fortunate that I can take an hour on the subway and spend an afternoon with my Zizis. Our society is not right in that we don't give enough respect and credence to those who have lived full lives before us; and while I continually endeavor to avoid political positions in this blog, MY GOD are we missing so much when we ignore the wisdom and the insight of those who have gone through it. Fundamental human nature doesn't change, and at the least, definitely not within a century, and the personal connections with and to family liaisons cannot be denied.

I talked to my mother after I returned home tonight and she said it was "a beautiful thing" that I had gone up to visit them. I think it's the opposite: I think it's a beautiful thing that I have the opportunity to visit them. More than a beautiful thing. I was drawn to tears when I returned home, because they are truly, truly beautiful. I am the lucky one. I was in the presence of real beauty.