Insomnia

I haven't had caffeine since 3:00 this afternoon and I still can't sleep. I have tried everything, I think, and have even tackled some of those not-so-fun aspects of what I have to do for school (read: the boring stuff) in the hopes that something in my brain will shift and that I'll realize that sleep is actually preferable to, well, outlining a math chapter about number theory. But every time I put my head on the pillow it starts spinning again with worries that I shouldn't be thinking about and problems that I can't solve anyway (not math problems) and certainly not at 5:00 in the morning.

What is wrong with me?

And the question becomes when the clock strikes 5:00 am do I just pull through the next day with the knowledge that I'll certainly sleep well tomorrow night (tonight)? I have nothing that requires one hundred percent functioning tomorrow (I don't think the finale of The Bachelor: Paris counts).

I wish I could just write down a list of all of my worries and they would magically disappear. But life gets so complicated that they're not even concrete anymore. I'm worried that I was so tipsy I left the bar party last night without saying goodnight to anyone and that I upset my best friend. I'm worried that this group project for one of my classes has fallen so squarely on my shoulders that I won't be able to pull it off. I'm worried that I'm keeping a secret from my mom. I'm worried that next year I won't be able to find another place to live and that I'll have to go through the horrendous process of moving again because I won't be able to stay here because of the noise next door. I'm worried that I haven't paid my bills recently and the stack of them plus the random tax paperwork sitting on my table scares the shit out of me. I'm worried that I haven't rented the car yet for my vacation in march. I'm worried that march is coming too soon. I'm worried that my ex-boyfriend is hurting a lot and that I can't do a thing to help him. I'm worried that I won't figure out anything that is the right thing to do this summer and I'll end up unemployed. I'm worried that I'm never going to stop worrying.

That's just the tip of the scroll of worries that run, run, run through my mind. Those ramblings took me all of one minute to write down. And writing them down didn't help one bit. There goes that theory. But it was worth a try.