Liberation

The morning after my first date with my ex, my often-psychic and very intuitive former roommate asked me how things went.

“I think I could like him more than anyone, ever, and I think he could hurt me more than anyone, ever.”

Both turned out to be true.

I never had understood the depth of loving someone until I loved him. And at this point, half a year after our relationship ended, I don’t know that I will again. And that's okay.

Our relationship was tumultuous, often, for reasons that in retrospect I know were not my fault – that I don’t think were either of our faults. We were reacting to far out-of-the-ordinary circumstances, and then we were reacting to each others' reactions to the circumstances, and things often spiraled out of control. While in the great times, we clicked; in the awful times, we clashed. Horribly.

My head had told me not to contact him until I really didn’t need to any more, and I held true to that. Then, my heart told me that now was the time – I needed to. And I listened again.

As you know, we talked last week. And we’ve talked since last week, and one conclusion I have arrived at is that he is not the same person he was when we began dating. Some not-so-great things occurred in his life during the last year we were together, but I believe that what makes us really us, as human beings, is not the shit that happens to us, but how we react to the shit that happens to us. Shit happens to everyone. The important question becomes this, then. When “it” hits the fan, how do we treat each other? How do we treat ourselves? How do we treat those closest to us; how do we let it affect our actions towards others?

His actions immediately following his “shit” I could at least justify for a short while. Now, after getting the feeling that these are long-term reactions; essentially changes in the "him" I knew and loved, my view of him has also changed. I can unequivocally say that while I enjoy being on a friendly basis with him, and that I love him (which is different from being "in love" with him, which I am not), I could not be in an a relationship with the person I believe he is now. It doesn’t make me sad; we were over anyway; instead, it gives me - more - closure.

It's liberating. Because I'm not wondering anymore "what if...?"